That's what today's post is.
A few years ago I was diagnosed with situational depression. I was on medications, went through therapy and worked hard to cope and get better. Unfortunately I have relapses, and lately it seems like it's happening more and more... or maybe the spell is just lasting longer?
I have the tools to make myself better, but why don't I use them? I have a great support system, but I choose to hide. I know the quickest way to feel better is to exercise, but I curl up on my couch under a blanket and cry.
I hurt. I really hurt.
I can't quite point my finger on what it is that triggers these thoughts and fears, but all I can say is that I feel like I am drowning in my own tears, and I have so many fears right now... and many just are irrational.
As an example, I briefly mentioned in a previous post that have started seeing someone. He's been great so far. We really click. For the first time in a LOOOOONG time I feel that I can act like myself around someone. I'm not afraid of what I say or do around him... and when I am not near him I miss him terribly. Out of no where I suddenly have these fears that he hates me, or never wants to see me again. I know this sounds absurd, when we still act all cute and gaze into each others eyes, or he sends me sweet text messages, hold hands and all that cute beginning of relationship kinda stuff. I know that I am scared, because I like him a lot... but there is no reason for me to think that he hates me... yet lately I do.
It's silly irrational thoughts like that which engulf my brain and bring me down. I seem to cry multiple times a day.
I need to shake off this funk and in a bad way. I'm running out of tissues.
5 comments:
Sis, I've been there. You have to talk back to yourself, like a good friend would. You know he likes you, and that he wouldn't want you to be miserable second guessing that.
Medication always helps (and chocolate, in my opinion) but you have to make a decision that you don't want this life for yourself anymore, and do those things (hanging out with friends, scrapbooking) that you know will lift your spirts, even when, and especially when you don't feel like it.
Hang in there, girl! You can climb back up that mountain and find your happy place again.
I'd say that this particular fear stems from any past bad relationships. I have been distrusting of people a lot in the past due to what others have done to me.
The thing with depression or other issues is that they never truly go away. i don't mean that in a negative way but that we will always live with the issues. I have been for a very long time. I still have times where I sink back down into that darkness.
Just try forcing yourself to use one of your coping techniques and focus on that.
::hugs::
I'm sorry you've been in such an awful funk. Sometimes wallowing on the couch is good, but it sounds like you know you've let it go to far. It's always that first little step to get out of it that's the hardest. Just say you're going to exercise for 5 minutes, that's so much less daunting than thinking you're going to do it for an hour.
I think the fact that you know that you are having irrational thoughts about this guy you're seeing shows that you aren't as far in to this funk as you could be. I know it's hard to get out of your own head, but listen to the part that is telling you that you're crazy, because you are so right - he wouldn't be texting you, gazing into your eyes, etc., if he weren't in to you. I think it's normal for anybody in a new relationship - in a funk or not - to have those "does he like me?" moments. I had them with David as well. Just pay attention to what HE does, and not to what your silly self is telling you. No guy would take the time to text messages to a girl he didn't like!
Hang in there!
I still get that way sometimes too. Like I'm not sure if BFs mind is changing about me. And I cry. And I feel insecure.
Just hang in there girly. We love you! & you will feel better!
I know just how you feel.
Replace your guy with "lack of job" and that's me. I'm not going to offer any easy feel-good solutions, but just offer my virtual shoulder instead. I've been there. I climb this hill every day too. I can only say... keep the faith. You are not alone.
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