A break from NZ

That's what today's post is.

A few years ago I was diagnosed with situational depression. I was on medications, went through therapy and worked hard to cope and get better. Unfortunately I have relapses, and lately it seems like it's happening more and more... or maybe the spell is just lasting longer?

I have the tools to make myself better, but why don't I use them? I have a great support system, but I choose to hide. I know the quickest way to feel better is to exercise, but I curl up on my couch under a blanket and cry.

I hurt. I really hurt.

I can't quite point my finger on what it is that triggers these thoughts and fears, but all I can say is that I feel like I am drowning in my own tears, and I have so many fears right now... and many just are irrational.

As an example, I briefly mentioned in a previous post that have started seeing someone. He's been great so far. We really click. For the first time in a LOOOOONG time I feel that I can act like myself around someone. I'm not afraid of what I say or do around him... and when I am not near him I miss him terribly. Out of no where I suddenly have these fears that he hates me, or never wants to see me again. I know this sounds absurd, when we still act all cute and gaze into each others eyes, or he sends me sweet text messages, hold hands and all that cute beginning of relationship kinda stuff. I know that I am scared, because I like him a lot... but there is no reason for me to think that he hates me... yet lately I do.

It's silly irrational thoughts like that which engulf my brain and bring me down. I seem to cry multiple times a day.

I need to shake off this funk and in a bad way. I'm running out of tissues.

Life Style Changes...

Over the past few months I have become incredibly introspective. Looking at myself from every angle possible. I found a few things that I really did not care for. Since then I have been working on changes in my life, albeit small, with the hope that their combined results prove to be something much larger.

First of all with regards to mental health. My therapist and I agree that depression is not as much of an issue anymore. It's been identified as situational, and I have been building up the tool shed so that I can deal with those times when they pop up. In addition, my mood has been seriously fluctuating around 'that time of the month' - I'm not talking PMS. I'm talking about me becoming irrational and lashing out at people close to me for no known reason. I try SO hard to keep that beast tame, but it is exhausting, and I am quite surprised some people have not entirely cut me out from their lives... I am also thinking that said people might not even be aware... but I think I have been good about keeping it cryptic as possible ;)

Anyway, so that brings me to my first change. Next week I am starting to take Seasonale. I've been on a few different brands of BC pills. But thins is my first time on something with an extended time frame. I figure that if I am going to be a psycho bitch I might as well limit it to 4 times a year.

I start working from home in July. I am really looking forward to it. As you know I have been putting lots of pics of the apartment up, but I have not been sharing my office as much. It's still under massive decorating overhaul, and I want it to be something to be proud of when I am complete. I am making everything to have nice clean lines. I want it to be like a breath of fresh air when I walk in. A peaceful environment to lead to a productive work habits.

I've been on my computer a lot less. I was seeing patterns where i was becoming less interactive with people and hurrying home just for what? Spider solitaire? Facebook? I'd play for hours and hours and hours before realizing it was way past time to get a reasonable nights sleep. NOT HEALTHY in my opinion and definitely NOT for me. Life is worth LIVING, and that just does not happen while poking at someone on FB (heh, I'll never stop doing that!)

The laptop officially lives in the office now. I also only allow myself to 'check in' on line a few times a day (unless I am crazy bored.) I've been catching up on watching movies, reading books, finally reading the magazines I subscribe to, cleaning regularly, unpacking more... doing stuff for me. Learning how to live my life and be happy with myself.

Speaking of that... I had some great conversations with my insane Greek friend last night. He's very observant and a very kind and generous man. He was saying some very nice things to me (which I really needed to hear) and he reminded me of the fact that I've jumped from relationship to relationship over the past 5 or so years.... the felon (more on him later).... then the egg.... and then James (he needs a nickname for blog purposes still....) in all that time when did I do stuff for me? Before the relationships I was married to my schoolwork. A full course load while working full time. No time for me.

What do I like to do? What makes me happy? ...well, I really don't know, but I want to find out. I know that when I am at my strongest, happiest, people do migrate to me. I love this fact. I've always been known to have a wide, diverse circle of friends. Lately I feel like I am loosing a lot of that, and I feel that I am bringing it upon myself.

So wish me luck on my adventures. Don't take offence if I don't blog as much - its just me learning how to enjoy what it is that enjoy. time for me to learn all about me.. and to have a cup of coffee.

(Insert my picture here whenever the bloggosphere decides to release it: I've contacted Blogger re this problem! :/ )

This pic says so much more then my run this evening. This past week was extremely difficult for many reasons. Without getting to detailed, a lot has changed in my life over the pats 12 months. Approximately a year ago I was in a failing relationship. I was experiencing panic attacks on a regular basis, my blood pressure was through the roof, and one day I had to go to the ER because I was having the symptoms of a stroke (ended up being an Optical Migraine)

I had to make changes in my life, and they came upon fast. Before I knew it I was in a new living situation, the relationship was over and I had a new job. It was a lot to take on at once, but I had to. Too many things were falling apart in many arenas of my life at once.

Fast forward to now... er, 10 days ago. At that time I was feeling good about myself. Good about this relationship that I am now in. Good about life in general. I hadn't had a panic attack in months and was even weening out of therapy.

Then last week came around and gave me a reality check. The mixed-up and out of control emotions of last week reminded me that although I have come very far, there are still things I need to work on. Things I need to be conscious of. Things I cannot forget.

I am thankful that my emotions have come under control a bit. I am thankful that I have some approaches on how to change a few things in my life. Thankful that I do have caring friends, and a great man whom I think the world of. I am also reminding myself (quite frequently) that some stresses that are in my life right now, will go away in the (not-so-distant) future. There is an end to the little grey cloud over my head and I see the sun.

Back to this picture. This week I had two panic attacks while running at the gym. Luckily I was able to regain composure and reduce my workout to a walk and still burn those calories. This evening I had an *awesome* run. I did not panic, and I pushed myself harder. I feel like I am regaining myself back. I am thankful I have a therapy session this week, but I feel like I am peering out from under the blankets again.

I hurt. I hurt a lot. Maybe I spoke too soon? Maybe its just the current situation. Maybe it's PMS gone extra-awry? Maybe its PMDD?

I don't know.

I know is this HURTS down to the very core of my sole. It hurts more then it's ever hurt before. And it's consuming every bit of me.

I do know for a fact that it is the week before my period. I do know that I get emotional, needy, but I don't have anyone to turn to right now. It's taking all my strength just to exist, to hold back the tears, to save face...

...to just.get.through.this.day.

I'm fixed!

All better now! I went to my last group therapy session tonight. I told my therapist that I'm doing well. I explained some of my numerous 'a-ha' moments. I explained that I graduated form the class, now it's time for the internship.

I have an individual therapy session scheduled for one month from now. Let's see how things go, and maybe I'll be all done.

if you need proof on just how awesome I am, click here.

How to fix a broken Michele….

I’m feeling more and more positive by the day. Light bulbs have been going off and I have been making small, yet dramatic changes in my life.

I have poor self esteem. My self esteem gets the best of me from time to time and ultimately has resulted in a form of depression. I learned of this ‘official’ diagnosis last night. It did not surprise me; in fact it made complete sense.

I’ve been doing my homework, self-searching and talking with my therapist. I am trying to understand why I am so hard on myself. I put endless rules on my life and prohibit myself from living… for no really good reason. Yes, I may be able to explain the logic as to why these rules exist – but they really do put quite the damper on my personal life. I am choosing to place myself in an unpleasant environment.

Some examples are my current living arrangement. Once there was discussion about moving to a larger apartment I immediately stopped unpacking and decorating my apartment. The logic was that if I was just going to move again, why bother? Well, I HATE how my bedroom looks, my bathroom is plain, my walls are bare. I am immediately making changes. I am ordering my movie posters. I am going to begin purchasing bathroom accessories. I will continue to decorate and add things to my apartment that will easily transfer to the new place. I have made plans for my friend to help wall-mount my TV. It’s time to fix my environment.

My finances are another good example. I’ve been busting my rear to pay down credit cards – leaving myself mere pennies to get by each month. HELLO?!?!? Yes, I need to be responsible, but do I NEED to have my credit cards paid off in 6 months? Why NOT have some breathing room and take a year to pay them off? It’s time I allow myself that extra room.

My weight loss. YES, I want to loose weight. I want to loose another 30-40 pounds. MUST I bust my rear so that I accomplish this over the next year, or do I do this at a reasonable pace and allow myself to have Chinese food once a week or whatever? Just because I loose weight does not mean that I am a better or worse person – I will still be me.

Time to live my life instead of putting rules in place which only restrict me.

I made a promise, and although I was tempted by laziness, I held up my end of the deal.

Fifteen years

This meme is: 15 Years in a Nutshell. Think back on the last 15 years of your life. What would you tell someone that you hadn’t seen or talked to for 15 years? How would you sum up your life? You get 10 bullet points. A list of 10 things to summarize you. At the end of your list, tag 5 more people and send on the love.

It sure sounds like a long time, but thinking back – it seems like both a million years away and just last week…

Fifteen years ago was mid-July 1993. How ironic. I was in England early July 1993, and here it is fifteen years later and I was supposed to be coming home from England today. Anyway, I just got back from England and I am SURE that the first thing I did was call my boyfriends at the time. We’d been dating for around 9-10 months at this time and I was miserable in England because all I wanted to do was spend my summer with him. Yea, sappy puppy love. Anyway, I was chunky and unhappy with myself – but my friends meant the world to me. Before we new it, Senior year was upon us. I have a lot of memories that I would like to forget from my Senior year. A lot of anger, frustration, hurt, confusion and most of all drama. I freaking hate drama. I began looking at colleges with my parents and all I wanted to do was go away because I didn’t want to be part of the life I was currently living. I wanted to go away and change a lot of things about me. I had some sessions where I battled depression and anxiety, and lost a LOT of weight… but DAMN did I look good! Lol

Although I was set on going away for college, I chickened out at the last minute. I decided to go to UConn, which was my “safety school.” Although I wanted to leave my past from high school behind me, I was still scared to go out and start over.

Fall of 1994 was awesome. I had a blast in the UCMB. I made a ton of new friends, had a lot of great experiences… had a few (trillion) more heartbreaks and didn’t go to class all too much. That eventually caught up with me. My second semester I pledged Kappa Kappa Psi and of course attended even less classes – that caught up with me and I was placed on academic probation the next semester. I was involved with someone for a few months, who I eventually left for someone else.

1995-1996 whirled by quickly. In the summer of 1996 is when I met the first big love of my life, Ted. Ted and I met at UConn, shortly before he graduated. We started dating over the summer and quickly became serious. I remember him shouting, “I love this girl!” to my friends one New Years Eve, just after he said it to me for the first time. Unfortunately Ted was much older and had some internal drama himself and just after my 21^st birthday he broke up with me. I don’t think I ever really gave men the same chances that he had – meaning that the next 10 years would pretty much be a string of meaningless relationships where I did not get serious with anyone.

I failed out of UConn in the spring of 1998. I was crushed. All those years of not going to classes finally caught up with me. I returned to my former place of employment and because the owner had issues with my mother, I was not re-hired. My mother worked for this small company for many years and I learned everything that she did by the age of 16. When she became sick, I would often back-fill her job for her. I then had to look for some form of income. I decided to get a part-time job at a local liquor store.

1998-2000 I pretty much did nothing responsible. I went out a lot. I drank a lot. I put weight back on and was miserable with my appearance again. I fought with my parents all of the time. I was miserable overall.

In early 2000 I was hired as a customer service representative in a call center for one of the local insurance companies. I was THILLED to be making $22,000! I was shocked and so proud of myself for getting this job and getting a salary like this! Yes, I was quite naïve! Lol

The next few years were a lot of the same. I worked hard, played hard then began going to school again. I knew that I needed to complete my bachelors. I just HAD to. I was determined to do this the right way. I began looking into local schools and ultimately chose Saint Joseph College. I started weight watchers and lost 60 pounds. I was even a runner-up for a modeling / weight loss contest for First magazine!

I worked full time, went to school full time and played even harder. Every weekend I was out at clubs or bars. Dancing, visiting friends… continuing the endless stream of hookups and lack of serious relationships.

I completed my BA in spring of 2004 and immediately looked into grad school. I became interested in perusing a PhD. I applied to many schools and ultimately was rejected by each program. Although I had a lot of potential, I had not biology behind me and I was looking into Cognitive Psychology programs – and those do require some bio behind them.

One school had me as their number two choice. I went back to them to get more feedback and to learn how can I get accepted in the future. This is why and when I then started taking classes towards a MS in Biomedical Sciences. I did very well, unfortunately I did not feel comfortable there. I got along better with the teachers then I did with the students. I was older then the rest of the students and just not really into the partying anymore… oh, and the weight started to slowly find me again.

That brings us up to 2006. I was bored at work. Just made the decision to leave school and was clueless. I knew that I wanted to have a nice, stable future in front of me. A nice home, the ability to travel. This got me thinking and planning. I first planned a trip to Italy! I went on a tour, but was by myself. I was randomly assigned a roommate who was quite nice and away I went!

When I got back from Italy I began scouring for new jobs. At this point I had been with the company for six years and was on my 5 job (well, 4 because one was a promotion.) I needed a change, but had no intentions to leave the company. That was when I was offered a great role n the company’s world headquarters. I knew that this role was going to be out of my comfort zone and demanding a lot of hours and energy from me. It was great. Plus I was excited about the raise as well!

One month into the new job and I got mono. I was house bound for the better part of two weeks. Not the best way to start off. Two months later I lost my beloved kitty, Prancer. He was just over 18 years old and had a long and healthy life. A few months after that I had the first large loss of my life; I lost my Paternal Grandmother. The day of the funeral I came home and decided to open an account with eHarmony. I emailed a few guys, but one guy in the IT industry particularly drew my attention. He was smart, but not cocky – that has been a rarity in my experience. He was eager and energetic about life. He was interested in meeting someone who would want to travel. We set up a lunch date.

Our lunch date was on Friday March 30^th. I remember being a little excited. I remember sending Nichole text messages as I walked to the restaurant. We had a pleasant conversation over lunch and made tentative plans to see either Sunday night. Saturday morning he called me and asked me to meet for lunch. Again we had a great time and planned to have an ‘official’ date Sunday night. Before we knew it, we were in a relationship. I believe we barely went a day without seeing each other – even if it was just to meet up for lunch. The next thing I was helping him pick out furniture for the apartment he rented one town over. Three months later I moved and you can read the rest by clicking on the link Daniel below. Lol I think you all pretty much already know how that turned out.

So now here I am. In my own apartment for the first time in my life. I have a kitten who drives me nuts, but I already adore. Full of cuts and scars from my relationship with Daniel. Wondering what the future has in store for me.

Heh – I never said I was a good writer. Hopefully I didn’t bore you all to death on stuff you probably already knew.

so.... if you want any clarification or if I didn't make sence feel free to ask questions. I'm not shy on here..

I feel at peace today. I feel peaceful for the first time in a while. I’m not sure if it is the reduced stress in my life or the new outlooks on life I am trying to portray… Maybe it’s the self-help book I am reading (and I am dying to go buy more…) Heck, maybe it’s because I started taking BC again (for some unknown reason I took myself off for two months.)

I don’t know what it is, but I feel calm.

Am I broken?

One friends mentioned fixing me up with people they know. Another friend strongly suggested I don’t even consider dating for at least 6 months and seek therapy. A few months ago I thought I *needed* therapy… heck, only a month ago I thought I needed it. The big stress factors that were whigging me out are no longer an issue. I’m starting a new job in just over two weeks. Daniel and I are broken up. My finances are coming along well (little stress right now, but that is because I am in the process of booking a trip that I probably should hold off for about 6 months – but I’m saying SCREW it and going!) I am taking the time to do what I want, when I want, how I want. I am eating what I want to eat, and I am exercising regularly again. I’m reading. I’m catching up with friends I had neglected (interestingly enough it was all the male-friends that got brushed aside) over the past year. I’m watching what I want to watch. My Netflix queue is filled with chick flicks, classics and stupid-humor.

I’m doing these things for me. Part of me wants to keep moving ahead with this “being me” and just living life. The other part of me says I should put another profile on line and start dating again. Not necessarily to “find someone” but to get back into the dating realm and practice. I need to learn how to socialize and meet people again. I used to be so good at that, until I crawled under this rock. I am tired of the rock and want to let the sun shine on me. I want to meet people, be in social settings… but I feel like I forgot how to socialize. I’m not so good with large-scale events…. But one-on-one with a new person I can handle. This is what makes me think it might be good to start dating again.

I know that it is WAY too soon to even contemplate a relationship. I don’t want one right now anyway…. Yes, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but I am still drawn to THAT fish…. Although I know that fish is plain and simple not good for me… maybe I’m allergic to it. Lol

Anyway…. Opinions? I’m feeling much stronger day by day. I’ve hardly cried in the past week. Many of you have left me comments saying that you can see my strength and believe that I am doing so well. I’m starting to think that maybe therapy is not the tool that I need. I just need to keep working on myself?

Today is the big day, April and Daryl's wedding. I am about to start getting ready. I will need to shellac my hair since Daniel and I will be riding down in the Mazda. It's a beautiful day out. One last right for old times sake? I hope that isn't the case.

I'll make sure to have some xanax with me... but of course I know not to take it after drinking. Damned panic attacks have been getting the better of me a bit lately.

Time to plug in those curling irons and get ready to knock his socks off! Here comes his ex girlfriend who weighs almost 15 pounds less then she did in January!!!!

I'm afraid to use the toilet....

no, not because of my weird toilet phobias. I'm also afraid to sleep in my beautifully made, brand new bed. I don't want to plug in the microwave and I most certainly don't want to turn on the stove or take a shower.

It's not because I want to be a dirty-smelly, anorexic girl who needs to use adult diapers.... it's because it only shows me how real this all is.

I'm really moving out. Daniel and I are really broken-up. This isn't some nightmare that I will wake up from, letting out a big sigh of relief... turning over and giving Daniel a big hug in the middle of the night.

I know - I deserve better. And once I get through all of this crap right here, I will be a stronger woman who will have re0gained her independancy she lost over the past year. She will trust her instincts, and not live in a daydream until she is crushed and torn into little pieces. She will watch for the signs early on, and USE those signs wisely.

If I had trusted my instincts, this relationship would not have lasted this long in the first place. There are two paths lying ahead of me.... hoping and wishing Daniel will realize that there are issues he has and that he must work on.... or I need to move on.

Which makes more sence for me?

ps - don't answer that last question, that was rhetorical. I really don't want to be taking more xanax today.

Sometimes I:

• Have nothing to say, other times I cannot shut the heck up
• Am happy
• Am thrilled about he changes coming up in my life, other the other hand they scare the CRAP out of me.
• Feel like there is too much negativity and negative feelings in my life
• Think it would be wonderful to be a mother, other times I am reminded that children take a lot of patience
• Like to belt out songs on the top of my lungs – I have not done this in MONTHS
• Have horrific uncontrollable gas
• Am scared
• Secretly wish I was a princess or an extravagantly wealthy socialite in the past – just so that I can wear gowns, jewels, and have people fawn over me
• Love dressing to the 9’s other times I am lucky if I can manage to get out of my pjs
• Feel like I am too much of a burden on others
• Think I need to find myself, but then wonder did I ever know who I was in the first place
• Find blogging to be therapeutic
• Feel that I am sharing too much on this blog and will one day regret it
• Adore the man I am in a relationship, other times he drives me batty
• feel like a nut, sometimes I don’t.

Ok everyone… time for your jaw to hit the floor. For those of you who know me, this is a complete turn-around for me… for those of you who REALLY know me, this may not be as big of a surprise because I have been eluding to this for some time now…

I want to be a mommy.

Heather blogged about an American Heart Association sanctioned diet. It is a rather strict diet, consisting of around 1200 calories per day, for three days. Not only is it low cal, but it appears to be quite lean, and consists of food combinations that are supposed to be successful on a chemical level.

I’ve decided to give it a try. No silly, not this weekend. But in the near future. I chose May 6-8th to be my dates. I have to wait until after my next peapod delivery, so that I actually have the food in the house, and I refuse to go to the grocery store until I can get better at grocery shopping.

The diet can supposedly help you drop 10 pounds over the three days. I am assuming there is a detoxification process that will be going on. The diet states that you can repeat it four times a month, ultimately loosing up to 40 pounds in one month. Now, I realize this is crazy, and I don’t want to live on a diet as limited as this, but I think that if this is successful, I can repeat it again in late May and once again in mid-June.

I was just playing around with number, and if I am successful at this, and even loose only 5 pounds per try…. Well, I just might be able to go to England weighing 180-185 pounds and possibly being in a size 14 again.

Ahhhh…. Just the thought of that is heavenly.

I’ve always been a tea drinker… yes, I love a good cup of coffee, but tea is so much smoother and there are so many different varieties for different tastes. I can make a decedent cup of caramel flavor, add cream and sugar (or splenda in my case!), and turn it into a decedent dessert… or I can have a nice chamomile and rose hip with no extras and enjoy the natural sweetness… or a nice stiff black tea with a little milk to wake me in the morning… how about a echinacea with lemon and honey when I am feeling under the weather…

There are so many options… but never have I enjoyed the Grand-Daddy of all teas, Earl Grey. Mom enjoyed it while I was growing up, and I could not stand even the SMELL of it. Now what am I doing? I am breathing in the lovely lemony sweetness. I am savoring every drip of it. I am truly enjoying this tea as an experience.

What’s next… me liking onions and seafood…. Oh wait.

The end of an era…

****warning****not for the squeamish****

About four or five years ago, I got my navel pierced. I was torn on doing this for so long. Let me back up a bit. Someone who was very close to me knew that I wanted to get it pierced for the longest time, but I was always self conscious about my ever fluctuating weight. As a Christmas present, she gave me a home made certificate saying that whenever I am ready to do it, she would bring me to get my navel pierced and she would pay for it. A few years went buy and I still had not cashed in on that opportunity. I wanted it, but in the back of my head, something kept telling me not to do it. I was putting it off for a reason, not that I knew what that reason was… I just knew I was putting it off… until one day I received a phone call saying that we were going to the piercing studio that day. I was nervous. I was scared, but I finally said yes.

I remember this trip like it was yesterday. The studio was down a deserted road, next to a warehouse. If it has been night time, I thought it would have been a perfect setting for a bad horror movie. The studio in front of a railroad yard, but I suppose the good news is that the police station was close by as well.

We entered the studio and waited for what seemed like an eternity. I think we had to wait for someone to come back to the studio – I don’t really remember – but it was a long wait. He eventually showed us to the room. He pulled out all the sterilized equipment and laid it out on a clean tray. He was talking as I looked through the jewelry, trying to find something that fit my style – while being sensitive to budget.

I found a few options – but they were all shot down. Apparently I have a deep belly button and needed one of a longer length. There were very few – so I ended up with a curved steel barbell. Simple and plain.

It was finally my turn to get stuck with the HUGE @SS needle. I sat back on a char, as he cleaned off my stomach with iodine. He then took a pair of forceps and held onto a chunk of my belly – not a flattering motion. As he squeezed the skin together he pushed a long, curved needle into my skin. That REALLY hurt, but felt so strange. I then felt the warmth of a few drops of blood.

He cleaned up the area and I was done. I was sore, but not in pain. I liked how it looked, but still had this funny feeling in the back of my head.

The next few weeks I had to be extremely careful with it. I could not wear nylons under skirts. All my jeans were a tad too high and hitting RIGHT where it sat. I washed it with antibiotic soap every day… I took care of it as I was supposed to. Every night, sleep was uncomfortable, until it began to heal.

Fast Forward a few years, to the present. After these past four years (or sp) it still had not healed completely. It would be fine, then after wearing nylons two days in a row, it would get all angry at me. Sometimes It would get crusty ( I know, VERY GROSS) half-way through the day because it was getting irritated. I ALWAYS was aware of it. I could not sleep on my belly for more then an hour or two per night – then it would get angry with me. Essentially my life was being run by a freaking piece of metal stuck into my body!

For the past few months I had been thinking of removing it. I was getting sick and tired of always having to readjust my clothes, and just having to be AWARE of it around the clock.

Last week I made my decision, and it is now out. It has been out for 5 days now, and it feels wonderful. I am not having to squirm around and readjust my clothes. I don’t have to consistently clean it with antibiotic soap and worry about it getting infected. I don’t have to be controlled by that freaking piece of metal that I wasn’t even in love with in the first place.

Ahhh…. My belly can breath again.

Holding Tank

That is where I am right now, in a holding tank. I’d like to enjoy my life right now, but it seems like I am always waiting for something. Waiting for a phone call from HR regarding that job I applied for, waiting a few more months to our trips this summer, waiting for this weight to come off, waiting for my debt to decrease… waiting for the weekend to roll around. All this stinking WAITING.

I don’t know why I keep preventing myself from living in the now. I try to, I do enjoy going for walks in the evening, spending time with Daniel… and whatever else that is going on at that time. But I still find myself glancing to the future. Dreaming about that commute to Southington, avoiding the Hartford traffic and parking headache. Dreaming about the wonderful time Daniel and I will have in England and Scotland. Hopeful of a decent salary increase if the new role come through, and how quickly I can pay off this debt. Visioning myself 15-20 pounds lighter as I keep whittling down ½ pound or so week-by-week.

It’s always about wanting more.

*embarrassed*

A long, narrow, and empty hallway leads from the gym, back to the main hallway. As I was walking through it, I had that poking… stabbing pain. Dammit. I really had to pass gas. No one was around, I figured I was safe.

WRONG!

As soon as it was done, and I must admit it was a stinky one, a tall older gentleman entered the hallway. I smiled and said “hello” as he walked by. As I got to the door at the other end of the hallway, he started giggling like a little boy.

At least he found it funny!

More exhaustion… but this time it’s for a silly reason. The past three nights in a row I’ve had very tiring dreams. You know those dreams when you wake up feeling like you just went through a traumatic experience, emotionally exhausted? That is how I have been waking up. I don’t think I have anything in particular that is on my mind, causing these dreams. But they have each been very involved, very detailed, some type of drama going on and me having to run around and fix whatever the situation is. Sleeping is my escape! I am supposed to enjoy my sleep and feel rested afterwards – not MORE tired.

I think I’ll try drinking some chamomile before bed. Maybe that will help “slow down” my mind.