A break from NZ

That's what today's post is.

A few years ago I was diagnosed with situational depression. I was on medications, went through therapy and worked hard to cope and get better. Unfortunately I have relapses, and lately it seems like it's happening more and more... or maybe the spell is just lasting longer?

I have the tools to make myself better, but why don't I use them? I have a great support system, but I choose to hide. I know the quickest way to feel better is to exercise, but I curl up on my couch under a blanket and cry.

I hurt. I really hurt.

I can't quite point my finger on what it is that triggers these thoughts and fears, but all I can say is that I feel like I am drowning in my own tears, and I have so many fears right now... and many just are irrational.

As an example, I briefly mentioned in a previous post that have started seeing someone. He's been great so far. We really click. For the first time in a LOOOOONG time I feel that I can act like myself around someone. I'm not afraid of what I say or do around him... and when I am not near him I miss him terribly. Out of no where I suddenly have these fears that he hates me, or never wants to see me again. I know this sounds absurd, when we still act all cute and gaze into each others eyes, or he sends me sweet text messages, hold hands and all that cute beginning of relationship kinda stuff. I know that I am scared, because I like him a lot... but there is no reason for me to think that he hates me... yet lately I do.

It's silly irrational thoughts like that which engulf my brain and bring me down. I seem to cry multiple times a day.

I need to shake off this funk and in a bad way. I'm running out of tissues.

(Insert my picture here whenever the bloggosphere decides to release it: I've contacted Blogger re this problem! :/ )

This pic says so much more then my run this evening. This past week was extremely difficult for many reasons. Without getting to detailed, a lot has changed in my life over the pats 12 months. Approximately a year ago I was in a failing relationship. I was experiencing panic attacks on a regular basis, my blood pressure was through the roof, and one day I had to go to the ER because I was having the symptoms of a stroke (ended up being an Optical Migraine)

I had to make changes in my life, and they came upon fast. Before I knew it I was in a new living situation, the relationship was over and I had a new job. It was a lot to take on at once, but I had to. Too many things were falling apart in many arenas of my life at once.

Fast forward to now... er, 10 days ago. At that time I was feeling good about myself. Good about this relationship that I am now in. Good about life in general. I hadn't had a panic attack in months and was even weening out of therapy.

Then last week came around and gave me a reality check. The mixed-up and out of control emotions of last week reminded me that although I have come very far, there are still things I need to work on. Things I need to be conscious of. Things I cannot forget.

I am thankful that my emotions have come under control a bit. I am thankful that I have some approaches on how to change a few things in my life. Thankful that I do have caring friends, and a great man whom I think the world of. I am also reminding myself (quite frequently) that some stresses that are in my life right now, will go away in the (not-so-distant) future. There is an end to the little grey cloud over my head and I see the sun.

Back to this picture. This week I had two panic attacks while running at the gym. Luckily I was able to regain composure and reduce my workout to a walk and still burn those calories. This evening I had an *awesome* run. I did not panic, and I pushed myself harder. I feel like I am regaining myself back. I am thankful I have a therapy session this week, but I feel like I am peering out from under the blankets again.

I hurt. I hurt a lot. Maybe I spoke too soon? Maybe its just the current situation. Maybe it's PMS gone extra-awry? Maybe its PMDD?

I don't know.

I know is this HURTS down to the very core of my sole. It hurts more then it's ever hurt before. And it's consuming every bit of me.

I do know for a fact that it is the week before my period. I do know that I get emotional, needy, but I don't have anyone to turn to right now. It's taking all my strength just to exist, to hold back the tears, to save face...

...to just.get.through.this.day.

Mental Health-y

Yep. As I said last night I'm fixed. All better now. Gradumatated. That fact has been proven and validated even further.

James has been struggling with a few issues, and I have been doing my best to support him. I know that he needs to figure some things out on his own, and he will be ok. It will just take time, patience and some work.

Last night he and I had a text message conversation for... maybe an hour? I know that sounds silly, but we both prefer to text - especially when it comes to more important matters. This is because both of us like to have that extra time to formulate the right answer... to carefully choose our words. Yea, we're both kinda anal like that, anyway...

We were talking about some things going on in his life. I gave him my personal thoughts. He does not agree with something his therapist told him. My initial thought is that the therapist should not be saying "do this...." with what his situation is. They should be talking and getting to the root of what is bothering him. Being told to just do things is not going to solve anything for him, spoon feeding is never the answer.

What was it that his therapist said? Well, he said that he should avoid any relationships until he can straighten things out in his life.

I did not freak out. I even surprised myself. I did not cry, I was completely ok. In fact, I am even proud of my answer. I said 'I don't know what is going on in your head so I can't agree or disagree. Only you know what is right for you. Either way I will be here for you wheter as a friend or more'

Yea, pretty good, huh? I impressed myself and he was grateful for my answer. I guess part of my feeling is that I feel so confident in him and I. Even if he needs to take a break and work things out, I know from the bottom of my sole that this will happen. We both care about each other too much.

I'm ok with this. I'm even happy about this.

No, we have not called things off. He even mentioned the 'r' word in passing. I'm just going to keep going with the flow. I know that he will come to terms with certain situations over the next few weeks, and some of the stresses will be out of his life. Complexity reduced... it's *ok* and most of all, *I'm OK*

I'm fixed!

All better now! I went to my last group therapy session tonight. I told my therapist that I'm doing well. I explained some of my numerous 'a-ha' moments. I explained that I graduated form the class, now it's time for the internship.

I have an individual therapy session scheduled for one month from now. Let's see how things go, and maybe I'll be all done.

Group Therapy

I thought group therapy was going to end. It's days still might be numbered. Last night I went to the regularly scheduled time. My therapist joked that most people called to cancel and two no-showed. We decided to turn the session into an individual for me. We also talked about playing it by ear each week. I can come to the regularly scheduled session and it can be group if people are there, or turn it into an individual session if no one comes - especially because there currently is some instability in your members. I've really been the only consistant one over time.

We talked for about fifteen minutes and she is the one that pointed out hat James may noit be ready to say anything, but his actions are speaking *very* loudly. Then there was a knock at the door. One perrson showed up late. She is new to group therapy. She was hesitant to talk. I was exceptionally chatty so I tried to ease her nervousness. She finally opened up and began talking about her situation. I had some parallels so could understand certain aspects. I gave her my suggestions and thoughts. I asked her questions, but I felt like a royal b*tch. Maybe I said things that she didn't want to hear. I know that I caused her to have thoughts that she was not expereincing. I don't know if that was the right thing or not... but I did it. I hope my two cents helps her see the situation that she is in and make some decisions based upon that.

So I didn't get much direct value out of the group session, but indirectly it was good for me to be comfortable to express my opinion and thoughts - something that I do need to work on more.

I still am unsure how much longer I will be in group. Maybe I'll convert to individual... maybe I can reduce my sessions to every other week. I don't know, only time will tell.