I'm afraid to use the toilet....
no, not because of my weird toilet phobias. I'm also afraid to sleep in my beautifully made, brand new bed. I don't want to plug in the microwave and I most certainly don't want to turn on the stove or take a shower.
It's not because I want to be a dirty-smelly, anorexic girl who needs to use adult diapers.... it's because it only shows me how real this all is.
I'm really moving out. Daniel and I are really broken-up. This isn't some nightmare that I will wake up from, letting out a big sigh of relief... turning over and giving Daniel a big hug in the middle of the night.
I know - I deserve better. And once I get through all of this crap right here, I will be a stronger woman who will have re0gained her independancy she lost over the past year. She will trust her instincts, and not live in a daydream until she is crushed and torn into little pieces. She will watch for the signs early on, and USE those signs wisely.
If I had trusted my instincts, this relationship would not have lasted this long in the first place. There are two paths lying ahead of me.... hoping and wishing Daniel will realize that there are issues he has and that he must work on.... or I need to move on.
Which makes more sence for me?
ps - don't answer that last question, that was rhetorical. I really don't want to be taking more xanax today.
8 comments:
{{HUGS}}
But aren't you dying to find out how comfy your new bed is?? Is it a tempurpedic really?
And... what about the new kitty???
Oh honey, I didn't realize you were REALLY breaking up. I thought it was a break/need some space/while we still work this out thing. I'm so sorry!
It might be hard but taking that first step to sleep in that bed will actually make you feel better and more in control I think.
Nichole - thanks. I am curious to see just how comfy it is. I bought a super-squishy pillow top, nd it is so high that you have to climb up onto it. I love the hight. Anyway, its not a temperpedic - I tried them out and as comfortable as it was... my Mom summed it up well, they feel more therapeutic as apposed to comforting. I went for snuggly-comfy. I did get my kitty applications in and now I guess I just have to wait to find out if I am accepted to get that little guy. The thought of a little furry buddy makes me happy, but also scares me. WTF EVERYTHING scares me. lol
Jenera - thanks. I think I've been in denial about it for quite some time. I do still have hope that once I am out of there and has some alone time, he will begin to miss me and reach out... or at least that is what I hope.
Wow..What you wrote is amazing and shows how strong you are. This break up is hardest because:
1) you love love love him
2) it is LONG and hard, it wasn't just a conversation that ends, you walk away and it's done. Your moving out.
I love the apt...I'd need a step stool for the bed (LOL) but it's seems comfy.
trust your instincts. hopefully with time apart you'll be able to hear them without being distracted.
in the meantime, take a nap first on the bed, you know, to break it in.
Chele, all I can do is tell you that once I was in my own space, everything was so much more clear to me. It was like being where I was clouded my vision a bit. I am not saying your story will turn out like mine did. I'm just saying that being in your own space may make it easier to see what comes next, *whatever* that may be. (((HUGS)))
hang in there kiddo! it will work out how it is supposed to I promise!
Big hugs, big hugs and big hugs - and ditto Dawn's comment about how being in your own space making it easier to see what comes next!!
- Viz
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