Am I broken?

One friends mentioned fixing me up with people they know. Another friend strongly suggested I don’t even consider dating for at least 6 months and seek therapy. A few months ago I thought I *needed* therapy… heck, only a month ago I thought I needed it. The big stress factors that were whigging me out are no longer an issue. I’m starting a new job in just over two weeks. Daniel and I are broken up. My finances are coming along well (little stress right now, but that is because I am in the process of booking a trip that I probably should hold off for about 6 months – but I’m saying SCREW it and going!) I am taking the time to do what I want, when I want, how I want. I am eating what I want to eat, and I am exercising regularly again. I’m reading. I’m catching up with friends I had neglected (interestingly enough it was all the male-friends that got brushed aside) over the past year. I’m watching what I want to watch. My Netflix queue is filled with chick flicks, classics and stupid-humor.

I’m doing these things for me. Part of me wants to keep moving ahead with this “being me” and just living life. The other part of me says I should put another profile on line and start dating again. Not necessarily to “find someone” but to get back into the dating realm and practice. I need to learn how to socialize and meet people again. I used to be so good at that, until I crawled under this rock. I am tired of the rock and want to let the sun shine on me. I want to meet people, be in social settings… but I feel like I forgot how to socialize. I’m not so good with large-scale events…. But one-on-one with a new person I can handle. This is what makes me think it might be good to start dating again.

I know that it is WAY too soon to even contemplate a relationship. I don’t want one right now anyway…. Yes, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but I am still drawn to THAT fish…. Although I know that fish is plain and simple not good for me… maybe I’m allergic to it. Lol

Anyway…. Opinions? I’m feeling much stronger day by day. I’ve hardly cried in the past week. Many of you have left me comments saying that you can see my strength and believe that I am doing so well. I’m starting to think that maybe therapy is not the tool that I need. I just need to keep working on myself?

Another note of finality. I just asked to have me and my Jeep taken off Daniel’s insurance policy.

Another step in the direction of independence.

It’s hard. Because as I look back, it becomes clearer and clearer. The relationship was going downhill long before I realized (or rather it was brought to my attention.) They say that hindsight is 20/20 – and in this case it could not be more on the spot.

I realize that we are not a good fit for each other. Now, I am not quite sure how we lasted so long, except for the fact that I was in such denial.

…unfortunately it still makes me just so sad. I should be happy for everything that is going on in my life, and at times I am. I really am. I suppose this is just not one of those times.

I'm ok.

I really am.

I made sure to arrive on time. I made sure to wear the earrings he gave me, but with an older necklace. I wore a shirt that I remembered that he liked. I remembered to keep breathing deeply and to think before I spoke.

I suggested we go out for lunch. We went to a place down the road. We made small talk. We talked about cars, politics, traveling with animals and foreign travel. It was sunny. The food was good. We just hung out and did not talk about any of the sensitive topics. I had a few things I wanted to say to him - but I thought it would be best to say it during our good-byes.

I'm still shaking from it all.

We came back to the apartment. He helped me with the packing. Previously I was stubborn and refused / ignored his help. We rummaged through the closets together. He helped me carry everything out. We went to the garage and pulled out everything else. I pulled stuff off the shelves - he brought it to the car. I joked that I did not want to carry anything near the Mazda - in order to prevent hitting it. Then I reminded him that he did offer to trade me the Mazda for a basket I kept in the living room.

Then the hard part.

We said our good byes. We hugged, I thanked him. I have grown more then I could ever imagine over this past year. A year ago I was not ready to live on my own. He helped me to find that strength. A year ago I had no interest in having a family, getting married and kids. He helped me realize that with the right person in my life, I DO want to have children. He helped me have fun. He reminded me of the natural playfulness I have inside me. He helped me learn how to communicate better, how to express my feelings.... He helped me grow. I appreciate our relationship more now then I ever had. I recognize and have fond memories of the times we shared. All those special memories that he gave me. Spotting the hundreds of firefly's in the backyard. Standing next to the person I love by Kent Falls. Sailing. Snowmobiling in the deep woods during a snowstorm. The waddling porcupine. Looking at the stars while driving with the top down at night. Being woken up in the middle of the night by him hovering over me and insisting on tickeing me until I can't take it anymore. Wonderful memories that I will always cherish. He gave me more then he probably even realizes.

He suggested I call him in a month, hugged again and said good bye.

I'm ok.

I really am.

There is a chance that today will be the last time I ever see him.

BTW – I went 40 hours without being in contact with Daniel. It was easier because I had people over and things to distract me. I don’t think I’ve cried in over 24 hours now… this is good!

I did send him an email this morning. It was casual – I asked him if it was ok for me to pick up a few things this evening. I kept it short and to the point – no fluff… no talk of my interview – just the question. He responded about an hour later and said that was fine with him and offered to help me. My response was simple; I told him that since it was boxes of books, help would be nice but not necessary. I also advised him that I would send him a message when I was on my way there.

Day One:

Today's challenge is to go 24 hours without ANY contact with Daniel. I have no reason to contact him until tomorrow at the earliest. He knows that I am interested in picking up my next Jeep load Friday or over the weekend. Two to three loads left... almost there.

He sent me a text message around 6pm last night to tell me that he was cool with whatever I needed to do to get the rest of my stuff this weekend. It was a text in response to me informing him of what my plans were for getting the stuff.

Day one of not talking to him, emailing him, texting him, seeing him..... day one.

Today is the big day, April and Daryl's wedding. I am about to start getting ready. I will need to shellac my hair since Daniel and I will be riding down in the Mazda. It's a beautiful day out. One last right for old times sake? I hope that isn't the case.

I'll make sure to have some xanax with me... but of course I know not to take it after drinking. Damned panic attacks have been getting the better of me a bit lately.

Time to plug in those curling irons and get ready to knock his socks off! Here comes his ex girlfriend who weighs almost 15 pounds less then she did in January!!!!

I'm afraid to use the toilet....

no, not because of my weird toilet phobias. I'm also afraid to sleep in my beautifully made, brand new bed. I don't want to plug in the microwave and I most certainly don't want to turn on the stove or take a shower.

It's not because I want to be a dirty-smelly, anorexic girl who needs to use adult diapers.... it's because it only shows me how real this all is.

I'm really moving out. Daniel and I are really broken-up. This isn't some nightmare that I will wake up from, letting out a big sigh of relief... turning over and giving Daniel a big hug in the middle of the night.

I know - I deserve better. And once I get through all of this crap right here, I will be a stronger woman who will have re0gained her independancy she lost over the past year. She will trust her instincts, and not live in a daydream until she is crushed and torn into little pieces. She will watch for the signs early on, and USE those signs wisely.

If I had trusted my instincts, this relationship would not have lasted this long in the first place. There are two paths lying ahead of me.... hoping and wishing Daniel will realize that there are issues he has and that he must work on.... or I need to move on.

Which makes more sence for me?

ps - don't answer that last question, that was rhetorical. I really don't want to be taking more xanax today.