Just when I finally made peace with not spending New Years Eve with him... now it looks as we will be spending it together. This really makes me happy. It will be n ice to ring in the New Years on a quiet note, with someone incredibly special to me.

I had a great therapy session today. Since there are some scheduling conflicts, we are not having group again until the end of January. Therefor today I had my first individual session in a few months. We talked about some fears that I am battling. She helped me see through a few things an make a couple of decisions that were on my mind.

I need to accept myself, not hide my emotions behind my fears and lastly communicate. It will all work out for the best. Oh, also stop assuming things.

My therapist helped me realize a breakthrough today...

I didn't take it personally. The 'old' me would have cried and cried over the conversation I had with 'my friend' today (see previous post.)

I understood that there are things going on in his life that he needs to take care of. I did not automatically internalize it and think that there was something wrong with me, or that I did something to scare him off.

It wasn't me. He is not rejecting me. There just is stuff going on.

And I am good with that.

This seriously is a *first*

I'm afraid to use the toilet....

no, not because of my weird toilet phobias. I'm also afraid to sleep in my beautifully made, brand new bed. I don't want to plug in the microwave and I most certainly don't want to turn on the stove or take a shower.

It's not because I want to be a dirty-smelly, anorexic girl who needs to use adult diapers.... it's because it only shows me how real this all is.

I'm really moving out. Daniel and I are really broken-up. This isn't some nightmare that I will wake up from, letting out a big sigh of relief... turning over and giving Daniel a big hug in the middle of the night.

I know - I deserve better. And once I get through all of this crap right here, I will be a stronger woman who will have re0gained her independancy she lost over the past year. She will trust her instincts, and not live in a daydream until she is crushed and torn into little pieces. She will watch for the signs early on, and USE those signs wisely.

If I had trusted my instincts, this relationship would not have lasted this long in the first place. There are two paths lying ahead of me.... hoping and wishing Daniel will realize that there are issues he has and that he must work on.... or I need to move on.

Which makes more sence for me?

ps - don't answer that last question, that was rhetorical. I really don't want to be taking more xanax today.