I'm ok. I'm really ok.

Odd coincidence tonight. As I was talking about Daniel during therapy tonight I heard my phone vibrate. When I checked it, who was it??? None other then Daniel. His ears must have been burning. He's had the cross bars to my roof rack and I have not been able to get them from him. I've been bugging him for them for months. I called him and let him know that I was on my way home. He showed up about 5 minutes later. He was hesitant and wanted to stay outside. I told him that I had something for him. I can tell that he felt uncomfortable and just wanted to leave. I gave him his bag. We politely chatted for about 2 minutes and he was gone.

I no longer have any need to ever talk to him again. Kinda weird. Very final. All done. Oh, and by the way, no butterflies.

I'm ok. I'm really ok.

Other people have feelings too.

In August I told Daniel that I could not remain in contact with him. When he was in my life it was a constant reminder of what went wrong, the good times that we had and even harder to accept – the loss of that relationship. I was always wondering “what if” and reading into his actions way too much. It was not healthy and I new that I would not be able to get over him if he was active in my life.

Fast forward over the past month. I’ve had distractions, but even more importantly I have had the time to accept the fact that we just weren’t meant to be for each other. As hard as it was to realize it, I now accept that fact.

Since then I’ve realized that I left a few (rather expensive) things at his place in Farmington. I sent a friendly email to him asking him if we can meet up so that I can get it. I also threw out the idea of getting a drink or having dinner. Mind you – I had NO ULTERIOR motives. I just wanted to be friendly and get my stuff back.

No response.

Nothing.

No acknowledgment. No NOTHING.

That made my blood boil. I thought it was rude and very inconsiderate for him to just ignore me. It’s not like I was asking him to give it another go. I just wanted my freaking stuff and I was being friendly.

Last night (after a WONDERFUL day, mind you) we IM’d. It was the first time since we said our good byes that we communicated.

Now I know why he was not responding to my messages. He’s hurt. He still loves me and cares for me – but he also knows and accepts the fact that we just don’t work. He needs to be away from me.

So he’s going to drop off my stuff at my parent’s house so that we don’t see each other. He asked me to not text or email him unless I need something. He said he will always be here for me, but he just can’t handle communicating for fear that we’re going to just keep hurting each other.

Fair enough. I failed to realize that I may have broken his heart in all of this.

Sometimes I feel a little sad. Just a week ago he was excited and willing to try again. This week he doesn’t have the desire.

That is why I had to walk away.

I know that I want, need and deserve someone who will be there for me. Someone who will appreciate me. Someone who will love me and want to be with me for who I am now. Not if I could figure out how to do this, or if I started that, or if I just did a little more whatever.

Me. Who I am now. Only I can and will make changes for myself. I can better myself, I can further define myself. But ONLY I can do that for my own reasons. No one can make me be anything else.

I miss him today. But I have to honestly say that I am a little more relaxed and I feel like I am breathing again. I guess I didn’t realize just how much all of this has been weighing down on me.

How do you walk away from a person who has influenced your life in a manner so positive that words cannot describe how you feel? Daniel and I are over. I know, some of you are shaking your head and saying “again? How long this time?”

I can’t honestly answer that question because I really don’t know.

Tonight it seemed so obvious. It was laid out in front of us. He felt bad that he does not have the same feelings towards me that I have towards him. This is not something new. He brought this to my attention a couple months ago and crushed me with this statement. Tonight I replied that it does not surprise me. He’s been telling me for the better part of a year what he needs. I did not understand him. Only now that I finally get it, and I just don’t think it is going to work.

I told him that I am not surprised that he does not have strong feelings for me. Honestly, I don’t believe it, and I think he is convincing himself that he does not want to be with me – but I really don’t want to go into all that right now.

Bottom line, he told me that he does not feel compelled to be with me. I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. What more is there to say?

It all seems pretty clear to me.

He was very quiet. He then said that he was confused. He then got angry and frustrated. He said that he just wants this to be easy. I reminded him that life is not easy, it never will be. No one (well most healthy people) wants drama in his or her life. Unfortunately sometimes it happens and we have to deal with it. He reiterated that he was confused.

I thanked him for all the wonderful things he helped bring out of me. I reminded him that he helped me become the strong person that I now am. He helped me learn and grow. We said good night and I cried. I cried a lot, but it was not a helpless and hopeless cry like they have been in the past. This was a cry for what was lost, the person who will no longer be in my life. I know that I am a good person, nothing can or will change that. I know that these feelings are only temporary and they will pass.

Life goes on.

When I went to the UK approximately fifteen years ago, I spent a day in Wales. I remember the beauty and rolling green hills of the Wye Valley, the cute shop keeper that made me blush and wish that I wasn’t getting back on that tour bus with my parents, and lastly the Love Spoons.

Welsh Love Spoons are traditionally given as gifts. Young men would give their love interest a spoon as proof of their artistry. This would prove his worth to the parents and reflect his ability as a craftsman to support the young woman. The spoons are often carved out of wood or pewter.

There are many symbols that can be imprinted on a spoon. Some common symbols are a horseshoe for luck, hearts for love, knots for endurance, and beads for children… the list goes on and on.

I remember looking upon many love spoons while I was there. Their intricate details amazed me. I remember wanting to purchase one for myself – but what would the purpose be if I bought it for myself? There would be no meaning behind it.

Now I have my very own Welsh Love Spoon.

Letting the cat out of the bag….

I wonder how that phrase came about? From my experience cats LOVE to be in bags, why would one be rushing to get out?

Anyway, here we go. I’m seeing someone. We have not defined our relationship. We’re spending time together on a somewhat regular basis. In fact it’s cute. He seems to be making excuses to see me. Tonight I am going with him to his eye doctor to help him pick out new glasses – mind you he said he wants to get the exact same pair that just broke.

Anyway, he is calling me and texting me regularly. I’ve been limiting my replies because I want to take this very slow. In addition we’ve seen each other a few times a week for the past two weeks.

Neither of us is looking to rush into anything. We are walking into this with our eyes open. I’m being extremely cautious, guarding my heart – yet allowing myself to have fun and enjoy whatever this is. I am also working on identifying / maintaining my identity. We are communicating openly – then again, how serious can things be after only two weeks?

So what’s the big deal about this? It’s Daniel. My Daniel. Not the grumpy Daniel I was living with and broke my heart into pieces a few months ago. It’s the Daniel I met a year and a half ago.

We both understand that there were faults in our relationship. We were both at fault. We both did not handle things wisely and were stressed to the max. The month we spent apart was a good reset and as a friend said we needed a “knock on the head to sort of wake us up to things.”

But at the end of the day we both care for each other immensely.

We are not rushing to label this or to increase the seriousness. We’re just spending time together and seeing where this might (or might not) take us.

I made a promise, and although I was tempted by laziness, I held up my end of the deal.

Fifteen years

This meme is: 15 Years in a Nutshell. Think back on the last 15 years of your life. What would you tell someone that you hadn’t seen or talked to for 15 years? How would you sum up your life? You get 10 bullet points. A list of 10 things to summarize you. At the end of your list, tag 5 more people and send on the love.

It sure sounds like a long time, but thinking back – it seems like both a million years away and just last week…

Fifteen years ago was mid-July 1993. How ironic. I was in England early July 1993, and here it is fifteen years later and I was supposed to be coming home from England today. Anyway, I just got back from England and I am SURE that the first thing I did was call my boyfriends at the time. We’d been dating for around 9-10 months at this time and I was miserable in England because all I wanted to do was spend my summer with him. Yea, sappy puppy love. Anyway, I was chunky and unhappy with myself – but my friends meant the world to me. Before we new it, Senior year was upon us. I have a lot of memories that I would like to forget from my Senior year. A lot of anger, frustration, hurt, confusion and most of all drama. I freaking hate drama. I began looking at colleges with my parents and all I wanted to do was go away because I didn’t want to be part of the life I was currently living. I wanted to go away and change a lot of things about me. I had some sessions where I battled depression and anxiety, and lost a LOT of weight… but DAMN did I look good! Lol

Although I was set on going away for college, I chickened out at the last minute. I decided to go to UConn, which was my “safety school.” Although I wanted to leave my past from high school behind me, I was still scared to go out and start over.

Fall of 1994 was awesome. I had a blast in the UCMB. I made a ton of new friends, had a lot of great experiences… had a few (trillion) more heartbreaks and didn’t go to class all too much. That eventually caught up with me. My second semester I pledged Kappa Kappa Psi and of course attended even less classes – that caught up with me and I was placed on academic probation the next semester. I was involved with someone for a few months, who I eventually left for someone else.

1995-1996 whirled by quickly. In the summer of 1996 is when I met the first big love of my life, Ted. Ted and I met at UConn, shortly before he graduated. We started dating over the summer and quickly became serious. I remember him shouting, “I love this girl!” to my friends one New Years Eve, just after he said it to me for the first time. Unfortunately Ted was much older and had some internal drama himself and just after my 21^st birthday he broke up with me. I don’t think I ever really gave men the same chances that he had – meaning that the next 10 years would pretty much be a string of meaningless relationships where I did not get serious with anyone.

I failed out of UConn in the spring of 1998. I was crushed. All those years of not going to classes finally caught up with me. I returned to my former place of employment and because the owner had issues with my mother, I was not re-hired. My mother worked for this small company for many years and I learned everything that she did by the age of 16. When she became sick, I would often back-fill her job for her. I then had to look for some form of income. I decided to get a part-time job at a local liquor store.

1998-2000 I pretty much did nothing responsible. I went out a lot. I drank a lot. I put weight back on and was miserable with my appearance again. I fought with my parents all of the time. I was miserable overall.

In early 2000 I was hired as a customer service representative in a call center for one of the local insurance companies. I was THILLED to be making $22,000! I was shocked and so proud of myself for getting this job and getting a salary like this! Yes, I was quite naïve! Lol

The next few years were a lot of the same. I worked hard, played hard then began going to school again. I knew that I needed to complete my bachelors. I just HAD to. I was determined to do this the right way. I began looking into local schools and ultimately chose Saint Joseph College. I started weight watchers and lost 60 pounds. I was even a runner-up for a modeling / weight loss contest for First magazine!

I worked full time, went to school full time and played even harder. Every weekend I was out at clubs or bars. Dancing, visiting friends… continuing the endless stream of hookups and lack of serious relationships.

I completed my BA in spring of 2004 and immediately looked into grad school. I became interested in perusing a PhD. I applied to many schools and ultimately was rejected by each program. Although I had a lot of potential, I had not biology behind me and I was looking into Cognitive Psychology programs – and those do require some bio behind them.

One school had me as their number two choice. I went back to them to get more feedback and to learn how can I get accepted in the future. This is why and when I then started taking classes towards a MS in Biomedical Sciences. I did very well, unfortunately I did not feel comfortable there. I got along better with the teachers then I did with the students. I was older then the rest of the students and just not really into the partying anymore… oh, and the weight started to slowly find me again.

That brings us up to 2006. I was bored at work. Just made the decision to leave school and was clueless. I knew that I wanted to have a nice, stable future in front of me. A nice home, the ability to travel. This got me thinking and planning. I first planned a trip to Italy! I went on a tour, but was by myself. I was randomly assigned a roommate who was quite nice and away I went!

When I got back from Italy I began scouring for new jobs. At this point I had been with the company for six years and was on my 5 job (well, 4 because one was a promotion.) I needed a change, but had no intentions to leave the company. That was when I was offered a great role n the company’s world headquarters. I knew that this role was going to be out of my comfort zone and demanding a lot of hours and energy from me. It was great. Plus I was excited about the raise as well!

One month into the new job and I got mono. I was house bound for the better part of two weeks. Not the best way to start off. Two months later I lost my beloved kitty, Prancer. He was just over 18 years old and had a long and healthy life. A few months after that I had the first large loss of my life; I lost my Paternal Grandmother. The day of the funeral I came home and decided to open an account with eHarmony. I emailed a few guys, but one guy in the IT industry particularly drew my attention. He was smart, but not cocky – that has been a rarity in my experience. He was eager and energetic about life. He was interested in meeting someone who would want to travel. We set up a lunch date.

Our lunch date was on Friday March 30^th. I remember being a little excited. I remember sending Nichole text messages as I walked to the restaurant. We had a pleasant conversation over lunch and made tentative plans to see either Sunday night. Saturday morning he called me and asked me to meet for lunch. Again we had a great time and planned to have an ‘official’ date Sunday night. Before we knew it, we were in a relationship. I believe we barely went a day without seeing each other – even if it was just to meet up for lunch. The next thing I was helping him pick out furniture for the apartment he rented one town over. Three months later I moved and you can read the rest by clicking on the link Daniel below. Lol I think you all pretty much already know how that turned out.

So now here I am. In my own apartment for the first time in my life. I have a kitten who drives me nuts, but I already adore. Full of cuts and scars from my relationship with Daniel. Wondering what the future has in store for me.

Heh – I never said I was a good writer. Hopefully I didn’t bore you all to death on stuff you probably already knew.

so.... if you want any clarification or if I didn't make sence feel free to ask questions. I'm not shy on here..

I can't help but think that the reception dinner is going on right now.

I know that this is for the best, but it still drives me nuts. I really am thankful that he is on another continent, and I know that his phone does not work there. He had a freind purcahse a disposable UK phone and gave the number to a few people at work.

I do not have the number.

I am *very* thankful for this. I cannot reach him. I should not be able to reach him. Last week really did set me back emotionally / mentally.

I realize that there are so many things that were not right with our relationship. I realize that there are some things that I want, that he did not offer to me. Now the question is that he didn't know that I wanted these things, or he is not able to offer them.

Is that an answer I want to find out?

I wish I could just flick a switch and be over him and move along. But I really still love him - the creep that he is.

f'ing PMS.

Pro: there is only a 30 minute lay over between landing at Gatwick and flying out to Scotland. This means NO checking in luggage. I *so* would not have been able to do that. Nope. And no, a later flight was not all that reasonable, b/c then the layover would have been about 8 hours. Yuck and bigger yuck.

Con: see last post.

Friday is here. Today is Friday, June 27, and I am an emotional wreck. Tears keep swelling up in my eyes and I just can’t seem to focus on a single thing.

You see, today was supposed to be the day I left for England with Daniel. 4pm flight out of JFK to Gatwick. 9 am (local time) flight from London to Edinburgh. He’s still going, obviously. This trip started because is sister is getting married in Scotland. The way that the airfare worked out, we were going to be there for 2 ½ weeks. The first week a cottage is rented in Edinburgh, and it is going to be filled to the brim with family members… his family members of course. The wedding is Monday with a dinner reception to follow. The dinner reception is Daniel’s gift to Jen. Nice of him, eh?

Anyway, the rest of the week was set up to be filled with enjoying the city, traveling to the Highlands, Lock Ness, and all about the area… hiking, sight seeing and whatnot.

The second week was to be spent staying with friends. In fact, one of the friends who came to visit last September. This is going to be Daniel's first return to his old stomping grounds, the town he lived in for almost two years. The town he often reminisces about and misses quite dearly.

I can’t help but think that it should be me next to him on that plane. Meeting his friends, having fun together, not his cousin who will be taking my place.

It does not help that Daniel and I have talked a few times this week and even went on a date Sunday night. I have no expectations of us getting back together, although he has said things to me that makes me believe that may be what he wants.

My question is what do I want? I am still very wounded from the whole situation. I have many more questions for him. A lot of talking needs to be done even before considering anything. Right now it’s just a few phone conversations, text messages and a couple hours well spent.

Nothing more.

Lots of stuff on my mind…

Trying to not think about said stuff on my mind…

Not expecting anything. Not getting my hopes up for anything. But it sure was nice to see the man I fell in love with a year ago.

I went from being sad and hurt and not ready to talk to him... to making plans to see him. What the heck a day can do to someones self confidence.

Aside from my revelation, I am also no longer too wounded to see him or talk with him. What do you ask made this happen?

Self-confidence and self-assuredness.

...or at least that is what I'd like to think it is.

All of the sudden, the light bulb went on. He's just another person whom I have a past with. Yes, I loved him dearly, but I understand that there are differences between us that just cannot be bridged at this time. I should look at him and treat him as I would any other friend.

...it also does not hurt that he contacted me before a month was over. It really was not for anything tremendous. I guess some mail has come for me. I offered to stop by and pick it up. I feel more confident because it was not me who had to reach out to him. That took a HUGE weight off my shoulders.

...of course I will be making a point to look absolutely amazing in the new outfit I bought! lol

As I was doing my search for the number six, I was thrust into a memory of my relationship with Daniel.

There are a handful of TV shows he was a fan of. Since I did not watch much TV, I did not object to what he wanted to watch. There were a few shows that I didn’t care for at first, but really grew on me… Like Torchwood. …ah, Captain Jack Harkness… What is up with my obsession with Captains?!?!?! Lol

Anyway, one show I had a difficult time getting into. I really tried, but I just didn’t care for it. On top of it all – I think this particular show was probably Daniel’s favorite. So, as I was searching for pictures of the number six, I came across MANY pictures of “number six” one of the Cylons from Battlestar Gallactica.

…FRACKING reminders everywhere I go.

I think part of my recent stress, anxiety, headaches has been revolving around the date. I have not been talking much about it, but I have been tearing myself apart internally. I am just torn and have NO idea what to do. It frustrates me, it stresses me, it confuses me and overall depresses me.

Wednesday, the 25th will be one month. One month since Daniel and I saw each other or contacted each other (although I did cheat and send him a text message when I accepted the new job – I couldn’t help it!!!) Right before our parting, Daniel and I had a good, healthy conversation. At the end he asked me to call him in a month to chat. Right now, I can’t tell you what the purpose of that phone call is. My mind is too fuzzy and disrupted to really remember why I am to call him. I don’t want to put a label on it either, to avoid confusing myself any further. It’s just a phone call to check in. I have a couple things I wanted to mention to him. I also have discovered a few of his things while unpacking, and I’ve noticed a few things that I cannot seem to find – I think I may have left them behind… I am thinking that in the future, we might meet up for lunch or something and we can exchange a few things.

But here is the rub. I’m not sure if I am ready to talk with him. I still occasionally tear up while talking about him. I know that is a sign that I am not over this, not yet, that is. I also don’t want to call exactly on that date, one month. I’d feel better calling a week later – but I cannot. Friday the 27th is when he leaves for England. Our trip. Well, no, I should not say that. His trip that he had invited me. So If I don’t talk with him on Wednesday or Thursday – then I am going to have to wait until Mid July. I do want to wish him well and safe travels before he goes…. So that leaves me with little options.

Torn. I’m really torn.

Does this mean something…or do I just say relax, it was just a dream!?!

I had a dream that I saw Daniel. Our “trial month of separation” was over. We were somewhere strange. I remember seeing a lot of roots from trees. Daniel turned to me and said “we’re back together now, right?” and I just looked at him, puzzled as all can be. A few months ago I thought we were going to try to work on things, but needed some time away… then I realized he meant “break-up” and I just COMPLETELY misunderstood – now he’s telling me that he wanted to just “pause” our relationship for a month?!?! I was totally confused and said to him “I don’t know we have to see how things go” But in my mind, the entire time I had been thinking of someone I went to High School with. I couldn’t say yes to Daniel because of this person who was on my mind. I suppose the person I was thinking of must have been subliminal… subconscious, heck maybe even subterranean! Lol. I had just sent this person a message shortly before going to bed and that was probably on my mind. But it may have been an “insert male subject here” situation… telling me to NOT go back to Daniel and get back out there. I dunno. Half of me thinks that I should get back out there in the dating world, just for the heck of it… I think that is going to be just like the kitten and playing the clarinet… a lot of talking, but no doing yet. I don’t know why. Why do I stop myself from doing things I want to do?

Another note of finality. I just asked to have me and my Jeep taken off Daniel’s insurance policy.

Another step in the direction of independence.

It’s hard. Because as I look back, it becomes clearer and clearer. The relationship was going downhill long before I realized (or rather it was brought to my attention.) They say that hindsight is 20/20 – and in this case it could not be more on the spot.

I realize that we are not a good fit for each other. Now, I am not quite sure how we lasted so long, except for the fact that I was in such denial.

…unfortunately it still makes me just so sad. I should be happy for everything that is going on in my life, and at times I am. I really am. I suppose this is just not one of those times.

Our Heart...

Daniel and I went kayaking last summer. As we docked at a little stone island in the middle of the river, we walked around. We picked up some rocks and tried to skip them across the river. As we were walking along we came across this rock.

...a teary eyed me asked Daniel if I could keep the rock.

I'm ok.

I really am.

I made sure to arrive on time. I made sure to wear the earrings he gave me, but with an older necklace. I wore a shirt that I remembered that he liked. I remembered to keep breathing deeply and to think before I spoke.

I suggested we go out for lunch. We went to a place down the road. We made small talk. We talked about cars, politics, traveling with animals and foreign travel. It was sunny. The food was good. We just hung out and did not talk about any of the sensitive topics. I had a few things I wanted to say to him - but I thought it would be best to say it during our good-byes.

I'm still shaking from it all.

We came back to the apartment. He helped me with the packing. Previously I was stubborn and refused / ignored his help. We rummaged through the closets together. He helped me carry everything out. We went to the garage and pulled out everything else. I pulled stuff off the shelves - he brought it to the car. I joked that I did not want to carry anything near the Mazda - in order to prevent hitting it. Then I reminded him that he did offer to trade me the Mazda for a basket I kept in the living room.

Then the hard part.

We said our good byes. We hugged, I thanked him. I have grown more then I could ever imagine over this past year. A year ago I was not ready to live on my own. He helped me to find that strength. A year ago I had no interest in having a family, getting married and kids. He helped me realize that with the right person in my life, I DO want to have children. He helped me have fun. He reminded me of the natural playfulness I have inside me. He helped me learn how to communicate better, how to express my feelings.... He helped me grow. I appreciate our relationship more now then I ever had. I recognize and have fond memories of the times we shared. All those special memories that he gave me. Spotting the hundreds of firefly's in the backyard. Standing next to the person I love by Kent Falls. Sailing. Snowmobiling in the deep woods during a snowstorm. The waddling porcupine. Looking at the stars while driving with the top down at night. Being woken up in the middle of the night by him hovering over me and insisting on tickeing me until I can't take it anymore. Wonderful memories that I will always cherish. He gave me more then he probably even realizes.

He suggested I call him in a month, hugged again and said good bye.

I'm ok.

I really am.

There is a chance that today will be the last time I ever see him.

BTW – I went 40 hours without being in contact with Daniel. It was easier because I had people over and things to distract me. I don’t think I’ve cried in over 24 hours now… this is good!

I did send him an email this morning. It was casual – I asked him if it was ok for me to pick up a few things this evening. I kept it short and to the point – no fluff… no talk of my interview – just the question. He responded about an hour later and said that was fine with him and offered to help me. My response was simple; I told him that since it was boxes of books, help would be nice but not necessary. I also advised him that I would send him a message when I was on my way there.