...to re-join, or not to re-join.

...that is the question.

Am I ready? Probably not. Would some 'practice' dating be a good idea... not so sure. I did tweak my old profile a bit. I thought I would have to create a new profile... nope. All that was still saved in there. I guess they keep it in case something goes wrong.

Although things didn't work out with Daniel, it was a great relationship. I have nothing but good things to say about him, and on-line dating is my preference...

...but is it time yet?

not so sure yet.

Letting the cat out of the bag….

I wonder how that phrase came about? From my experience cats LOVE to be in bags, why would one be rushing to get out?

Anyway, here we go. I’m seeing someone. We have not defined our relationship. We’re spending time together on a somewhat regular basis. In fact it’s cute. He seems to be making excuses to see me. Tonight I am going with him to his eye doctor to help him pick out new glasses – mind you he said he wants to get the exact same pair that just broke.

Anyway, he is calling me and texting me regularly. I’ve been limiting my replies because I want to take this very slow. In addition we’ve seen each other a few times a week for the past two weeks.

Neither of us is looking to rush into anything. We are walking into this with our eyes open. I’m being extremely cautious, guarding my heart – yet allowing myself to have fun and enjoy whatever this is. I am also working on identifying / maintaining my identity. We are communicating openly – then again, how serious can things be after only two weeks?

So what’s the big deal about this? It’s Daniel. My Daniel. Not the grumpy Daniel I was living with and broke my heart into pieces a few months ago. It’s the Daniel I met a year and a half ago.

We both understand that there were faults in our relationship. We were both at fault. We both did not handle things wisely and were stressed to the max. The month we spent apart was a good reset and as a friend said we needed a “knock on the head to sort of wake us up to things.”

But at the end of the day we both care for each other immensely.

We are not rushing to label this or to increase the seriousness. We’re just spending time together and seeing where this might (or might not) take us.

I feel completely sick to my stomach. I feel nervous, anxious and like I want to throw-up.

What caused this reaction? I was checking my email at home and I saw a notice from eHarmony. Mind you my account has been inactive / suspended over a year now. I received TWO freaking emails saying that people are contacting me and 'nudging' me.

I freaked because my account is inactive - there is NO reason why I should be receiving these, and besides that I am NOT ready to go and put myself back out there. The very fact that I am *so* freaked out and on the verge of tears by this SPAM is a sign in of itself.

So I logged into my account. Dug up that password and verified my status as inactive. But I am still majorly freaked out and want to hurl all over the apartment.

yea, I'm not ready.

Am I broken?

One friends mentioned fixing me up with people they know. Another friend strongly suggested I don’t even consider dating for at least 6 months and seek therapy. A few months ago I thought I *needed* therapy… heck, only a month ago I thought I needed it. The big stress factors that were whigging me out are no longer an issue. I’m starting a new job in just over two weeks. Daniel and I are broken up. My finances are coming along well (little stress right now, but that is because I am in the process of booking a trip that I probably should hold off for about 6 months – but I’m saying SCREW it and going!) I am taking the time to do what I want, when I want, how I want. I am eating what I want to eat, and I am exercising regularly again. I’m reading. I’m catching up with friends I had neglected (interestingly enough it was all the male-friends that got brushed aside) over the past year. I’m watching what I want to watch. My Netflix queue is filled with chick flicks, classics and stupid-humor.

I’m doing these things for me. Part of me wants to keep moving ahead with this “being me” and just living life. The other part of me says I should put another profile on line and start dating again. Not necessarily to “find someone” but to get back into the dating realm and practice. I need to learn how to socialize and meet people again. I used to be so good at that, until I crawled under this rock. I am tired of the rock and want to let the sun shine on me. I want to meet people, be in social settings… but I feel like I forgot how to socialize. I’m not so good with large-scale events…. But one-on-one with a new person I can handle. This is what makes me think it might be good to start dating again.

I know that it is WAY too soon to even contemplate a relationship. I don’t want one right now anyway…. Yes, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but I am still drawn to THAT fish…. Although I know that fish is plain and simple not good for me… maybe I’m allergic to it. Lol

Anyway…. Opinions? I’m feeling much stronger day by day. I’ve hardly cried in the past week. Many of you have left me comments saying that you can see my strength and believe that I am doing so well. I’m starting to think that maybe therapy is not the tool that I need. I just need to keep working on myself?

I recently put a profile up on one of those dating websites. I’ve done this before. Every now and again, I get interested in putting myself out there again. I’ve used some of the big named sites before. I had interesting experiences, but nothing all to memorable, a handful of dates and some token men who were just looking for one thing. Like I said, nothing memorable.

I do like to concept of on-line dating. It is like having someone’s resume before applying for a job. You learn some basic facts; get to know them a little. If there seems to be compatibility, you meet and hope for a little chemistry.

This brings me back to my first sentence of this post. I have put a profile up. I did not go with the sites I have previously been on. I went with one that seemed much more ‘serious’ to me. I always thought that this site was where people went when they were looking to settle down. Now why did I join this site? Quite frankly, I am not looking to be in the same ‘dating pool’ with the schmucks think they bought their ticket to get laid since they paid for a membership. The sad thing is, that there are people who fit this catrogory, in fact there are quite a lot.

Lets see, there was the guy who tried to sell me the moon and the stars. He was a perfect gentleman; I even introduced him to friends and family. A little over a month into our relationship, we became intimate. Oh and look at that, he never called or contacted me again. I see, a month of grooming your target, you got what you were looking for and were all set with your conquest. Nice.

That is just one story… I must admit, they were not all bad. But some of those sites are like grocery store for dating… oooh, I’d like a 5’10 with brown hair and a side order of successful job. Good biceps? I’ll take a second box of that!

This site that I joined, you cannot just ‘browse’ through all the pictures and click away until you find that nibble. In order to join, you must complete a lengthy personality survey then you are sent a list of people who match your profile - not everyone who matches your search criteria. Once you have this list of people who are ‘likely to be compatible’ the communication process begins. Someone must initiate the process, you are provided with a list of questions, and you pass them back and forth… then you send your 10 ‘must haves’ and 10 ‘cannot stands’ before a second set of questions. It is quite a lengthy process, but I feel that it is worth it. You get to know each other a bit before actually sending conversational emails back and forth. Also there is many opportunities to end contact with someone.

The whole process is quite interesting, and I think it is a great concept. So far it seems to be working. I’ve been in contact with a few men; I even might be meeting up with one for lunch this week. A few of them are in the IT field, one is a grad student in neuroscience, one is an opera singer! I am meeting quite the selection of people. Some of them seem quite interesting and I would like to get to know better, others are not so interesting and I or he will close up the contact.

I suppose I will keep you updated on the progress. Keep your fingers crossed for me… especially because I hate the whole dating game.