I feel completely sick to my stomach. I feel nervous, anxious and like I want to throw-up.

What caused this reaction? I was checking my email at home and I saw a notice from eHarmony. Mind you my account has been inactive / suspended over a year now. I received TWO freaking emails saying that people are contacting me and 'nudging' me.

I freaked because my account is inactive - there is NO reason why I should be receiving these, and besides that I am NOT ready to go and put myself back out there. The very fact that I am *so* freaked out and on the verge of tears by this SPAM is a sign in of itself.

So I logged into my account. Dug up that password and verified my status as inactive. But I am still majorly freaked out and want to hurl all over the apartment.

yea, I'm not ready.

I can't help but think that the reception dinner is going on right now.

I know that this is for the best, but it still drives me nuts. I really am thankful that he is on another continent, and I know that his phone does not work there. He had a freind purcahse a disposable UK phone and gave the number to a few people at work.

I do not have the number.

I am *very* thankful for this. I cannot reach him. I should not be able to reach him. Last week really did set me back emotionally / mentally.

I realize that there are so many things that were not right with our relationship. I realize that there are some things that I want, that he did not offer to me. Now the question is that he didn't know that I wanted these things, or he is not able to offer them.

Is that an answer I want to find out?

I wish I could just flick a switch and be over him and move along. But I really still love him - the creep that he is.

f'ing PMS.

Am I broken?

One friends mentioned fixing me up with people they know. Another friend strongly suggested I don’t even consider dating for at least 6 months and seek therapy. A few months ago I thought I *needed* therapy… heck, only a month ago I thought I needed it. The big stress factors that were whigging me out are no longer an issue. I’m starting a new job in just over two weeks. Daniel and I are broken up. My finances are coming along well (little stress right now, but that is because I am in the process of booking a trip that I probably should hold off for about 6 months – but I’m saying SCREW it and going!) I am taking the time to do what I want, when I want, how I want. I am eating what I want to eat, and I am exercising regularly again. I’m reading. I’m catching up with friends I had neglected (interestingly enough it was all the male-friends that got brushed aside) over the past year. I’m watching what I want to watch. My Netflix queue is filled with chick flicks, classics and stupid-humor.

I’m doing these things for me. Part of me wants to keep moving ahead with this “being me” and just living life. The other part of me says I should put another profile on line and start dating again. Not necessarily to “find someone” but to get back into the dating realm and practice. I need to learn how to socialize and meet people again. I used to be so good at that, until I crawled under this rock. I am tired of the rock and want to let the sun shine on me. I want to meet people, be in social settings… but I feel like I forgot how to socialize. I’m not so good with large-scale events…. But one-on-one with a new person I can handle. This is what makes me think it might be good to start dating again.

I know that it is WAY too soon to even contemplate a relationship. I don’t want one right now anyway…. Yes, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but I am still drawn to THAT fish…. Although I know that fish is plain and simple not good for me… maybe I’m allergic to it. Lol

Anyway…. Opinions? I’m feeling much stronger day by day. I’ve hardly cried in the past week. Many of you have left me comments saying that you can see my strength and believe that I am doing so well. I’m starting to think that maybe therapy is not the tool that I need. I just need to keep working on myself?